The end of last week was, to put it mildly, draining. Nothing in particular happened, but a lot of things came together at just the right time - described appropriately by Natalie as The Perfect Storm - to create the breakdown of all breakdowns. There were no outward signs of the breakdown; there was no yelling, nothing was thrown. But inside, I was in a serious state of turmoil.
After spending an hour on a conference call on Thursday, I began to think / re-evaluate a lot about my life.
I've spent the past several years - and especially months - going through the motions, doing/saying/thinking the things I'm supposed to. And it's been ok, but y'all, it's exhausting.
By the time I was driving home Thursday, I knew something was off and it just had to change. Then, a song came on the radio and that was that. I have heard it before, thought "Oh, that's a lovely song." But this time? It was different. This time it hit me like a ton of bricks. Seven words into the song, I was in tears. Three verses in, I had pull off the road because I was crying and sobbing. That, Internet, is a breakdown.
If you know me in real life, you know how crazy this sounds because I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've cried in the past ten years...and that includes my daddy's funeral. So when it happened, I took note. I knew that this was my "this is when life changes" moment.
I can't even tell you how many people I've heard say "you have to be broken to be made whole." And to that, I've always responded, "I have been broken. I've not had an easy life. I know what it's like to hurt." But that's not what they meant at all. And I get it now.
I feel truly broken, like I've been called out on the floor and laid bare. But this brokenness? It doesn't hurt. It just...is. It's tough because it forces me to look at my life and make some difficult changes. But I will make them, because I'm tired. I'm worn. I need to see redemption win. And there's only one way I can do that: Change. But it isn't my circumstances that need to change; it's me.