From the second I wake up until the second before I fall asleep, I am making choices. Am I going to hit snooze? What am I going to wear? What will I eat today? How will I spend my time?
Decisions are a part of our every day and we can't get away from having to make them.
Some choices we make deliberately and consciously.
Others are made because of our inaction or passiveness.
Far too often I find myself at the end of the day wondering why I didn't accomplish the things I wanted to. I seem to get so preoccupied or overwhelmed throughout the day that I just bounce around from one thing to the next. I'm the worst about checking my phone or Twitter while working on something else, which means I'm not giving that person or thing the attention it deserves.
Are we in the trust circle here? Because I have to tell you that I honestly can't remember a time when I've taken control of my own choices and made them deliberately.
I can't look back and pinpoint an exact moment when I started feeling like life was out of control, but I do know why it feels that way. It's because of the choices I make.
I make a choice because it's the easy one. Or because it's the choice someone else expects me to make, the one I'm "supposed" to do. I make a choice to avoid confrontation. I make a choice just because I don't want to make another one.
I've had life experiences in 32 years that most people don't experience in an entire lifetime. I've had to make choices to fight. I've had to make choices to survive. I've had to make choices that I should have never had to make.
That's not to say all the choices I've made have been bad ones; there's definitely been some good choices sprinkled in there, too. But with every year that went by, I began to grow more cynical and resentful of the choices I had made (and sometimes still make). Not just the choices, but the people I felt had forced me to make them. They were responsible. They were the reason I couldn't find happiness. They were the reason my life had fallen apart. They were the reason I became the way I was.
It hasn't been easy to come to this truth - it's taken a lot of ugly moments and angry words, at myself and others - but my choices are not their fault. My life is not because of anyone one.
Everything I do is based on the choices I make. Not my parents, my past relationships, my job, an argument, the weather, the way I was raised. None of that is to blame. I am responsible for every single decision and choice I make. Period. End game.
Sure, everyone says things like that. It's easy to say. I've even said it to people before. But until you come to truly, deeply understand what that means, you can't change. I had to recognize that I only had myself to blame for whatever I felt like my situation in life had been. If relationships were dysfunctional, it was because of me - that's not to say everything was always my fault, but if someone is toxic and I continue to allow them in my life, that's on me, not them.
And now that I've acknowledged all of this, I have to change. I can't keep justifying it and expecting something to magically be different.
It's time to start being intentional about how I live and the choices I make.
I'm choosing to be positive, rather than the negative.
I'm choosing to be energetic, rather than allowing myself to become drained and burned-out.
I'm choosing to be enthusiastic, rather than pessimistic, discouraged, and cynical.
I'm choosing to be focused, rather than reactive, scattered, overwhelmed, and reactive.
I'm choosing to be supportive and kind, rather than critical and judgmental.
I'm choosing to be passionate, rather than aimless, apathetic, and indifference.
I'm choosing to be proactive, rather than timid, procrastinating, and hesitant.
Making these choices might mean I have to give up some things in order to gain others. But that's a choice I'm willing to make, even when it's hard.
This post is part of the 31 Days of Intention series. You can see other posts in this series here.